Finding my way

by Mavis Applewater

Feddback to: yomavis@email.com

 

 

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CHAPTER THREE

The next morning I awoke to the sweet sounds of the birds singing just outside the bedroom window. That sweet tune felt like an ice pick piercing through my already throbbing head. "Kill it!" I moaned as I buried my head under the pillow.

"I would if I could lift my head off of the pillow." Allison groaned in agony.

Slowly I crawled out from under my pillow to be assaulted by the blinding glare of the sun. "I will never drink again." I vowed as I curled up against Allison trying to hide from the offending light. "Poor baby." Allison said softly. "Come here." She whispered as she pulled me into her waiting arms. "Where does it hurt?" She inquired as she gently stroked my hair.

"Everywhere." I sobbed pitifully. "How is your knee?" I asked as I listened to the steady beating of her heart.

"Better. But I think the burritos are done for."

"I'm sorry about last night." I apologized again.

"Don't be I wasn't exactly . . . unwilling."

"But at least you were thinking." I said softly.

"Was I?" Allison questioned with a touch of saddness. "Stephanie?"

"Yes." I responded with a hard swallow.

"Have you?" She began tentively. "Never mind."

"What is it Allison?" I asked as I lifted my body so I could look into her eyes.

"Have you done anything like that before?" She asked hesitantly.

"Well . . ." I began uncertain as to just how I should answer her. "Have I ever gotten so drunk that I put my hands down another woman's pants?" The answer was no. But that wasn't the complete truth. How many times did I have one too many to find myself making out with another woman only to sober up quickly and go running off into the night. Then there was Gigi. Although we never made love . . . technically what we did together certainly went beyond friendship. Of course that is not what I told myself at the time. So I have had urges before. And now here I am lying in her arms feeling more at home than I have ever with any man. "What is happening to me? Nothing is happening except that I am finally waking up." Suddenly I felt my world come crashing down around me.

"Stephanie?" Allison nudged me.

"Trust me I have never done anything like I did last night." I hedged. "But . . . I have kissed a girl before."

"Uh huh." Allison responded suspiciously.

"Well more than one." I confessed. "But it never went past that. And it only happened a few times when I was. . ."

"When you were drunk." Allison finished for me.

"Yes." I admitted feeling that I hadn't explained myself very well. Of course I knew that I couldn't tell her about my teenage explorations with Gigi.

Without a word Allison released her hold on me and got out of bed and walked out of the room. Left alone with my thoughts I started to remember poor Gigi. We were sixteen and the best of friends, even though I had already started college and Gigi was in High School. It all started innocently enough we were laying on my bed talking about sex. When you are sixteen what else did you talk about. The two main topics of conversation were boys and shopping. Since I had already began to formulate my life plan and money was tight, very often I had little to add to the conversation. But talking with Gigi was easier than the other girls that I knew. This particular afternoon the conversation took a strange turn.

Somehow the we began to discuss masterbation and somehow it was decided that we should. That is how it started laying next to each other. Both of us fully clothed with our hands down our jeans touching ourselves. Neither of us achieved a climax but there was something about the event that intrigued both of us. Without discussing what had occurred that day, we continued with our exploration each time that found ourselves alone in one or the other's bedrooms. Our explorations esculated to the point where we would undress ourselves leaving only our panties on. Although this made our afternoons more exciting neither of us had climaxed yet. That changed one afternoon in my bedroom while my grandmother was out shopping.

We were lying side by side staring into each other's eyes. I could feel my excitment growing as I watched Gigi pleasure herself. Frustrated by my own excitment I continue my own exploration. Finally I conceded that it wasn't going to happen so I stopped. "Let me help you." Gigi encouraged as she reached out for me. "No." I blurted out as I pulled away. Seeing the hurt in my friend's eyes I knew that I couldn't tell her that I was afraid. "Let me help you." I explained quickly as I reached out and began to caress Gigi's breast. The moan that escaped Gigi's lips sent shivers down my spine. "Touch yourself." I instructed her in a voice that I did not recognize. Gigi obeyed my instructions. I was overcome by a sudden wave of desire as I captured Gigi's breast in my mouth. I suckled my friend's nipple as I watched the girl pleasure herself. I could feel Gigi's body begin to tremble. Without realizing what I was doing I rolled Gigi onto her side and curled up behind her. I rocked myself into Gigi's backside while playing with her breast. Gigi's hand began to move with intensity in her own underwear. "OH GOD! YEEESSSS!!!!!" Gigi screamed out. I continued to rock my body into Gigi's until the girl climaxed for a second time.

We went on like that for over a year. Never progressing past that point and never discussing what we were doing. Not that Gigi didn't want to. But I was far too afraid. Telling myself that if we didn't talk about it then it wasn't real. So I blocked all attempts Gigi made to take things to the next level. Finally Gigi grew tired of my lack of acknowledgment. Tired of the one sided physical aspects of our unspoken attachment. Gigi simply walked away one day and found someone else. Very quickly I blocked it out and tried not think of just what it had meant to her. Deep down I knew that I was the one that had hurt Gigi. "Forgive me I was afraid." I whispered as I looked up at the ceiling in Allison's apartment.

"So now what?" Suddenly all of the pieces of my life began to fit together and for the first time. Had Allison seen right through the lies that I have been telling myself? For the past few years I had been telling myself that Peter was my life. But I was the one who always put the brakes on when he got too close or tried to take the next step in our relationship. Sure we made love but only when it was convient for me. He tried so hard to please me. How could I have forgotten that passion I felt with Gigi that had been the closest I had ever come to reaching an orgasim. As I lay in Allison's bed it was becoming all to clear that I was a big fat liar. Somehow Allison Kendell had seen through my facade. I drew the bed covers around me feeling suddenly exposed.

Allison reentered the room. "I put some coffee on." She said stiffly. "I'm going to take a shower. We have a staff meeting at eleven. Then I have a class. Maybe after the Dean's tea this afternoon we could go and pick up a futon for you." She departed the room without waiting for me to answer. I could tell by the intentional distance in her voice that even if my new found awakening was true I had blown my chance with her. I just prayed that I had not lost her friendship as well.

I gathered my clothing and raced downstairs to my own apartment. I closed the door quickly not wanting to meet any of my new neighbors while racing out of Allison's apartment wearing only a shirt first thing in the morning. Call me crazy but I just didn't think it would make the best of impressions. As I entered my new apartment the emptiness left me cold. I shrugged off the chill and chose a suit that would be appropriate for both the staff meeting and the Dean's Tea. As I climbed into the shower I quickly found myself lost in thought once again. "What are you going to do Stephanie?" Had the light finally dawned or was last night just one of those things. It was possible that I was just curious.

"Stop lying to yourself! This is what got you into this mess in the first place. How could I not know that I was attracted to women? But you did know. What did you think every teenage girl would blow off the mall so they could watch their best friend get off? Let's not forget your helping hands either. Did you think everyone sucked on their best friends nipples so they could come? I was just . . . just what??? Face it last night you acted on pure desire!"

As the water splashed over my body my was coming back to me. All of those almost intimate moments in my life. The female friends in my life. They had not simply drifted out of my life. I had pushed them away. Because they had simply become too close. Those few innocent kisses. I had gotten drunk so I could allow myself to do what I really wanted to do. Then I pulled away when things had gotten too intense. They say you learn something new every day. Today I learned that I had led the majority of my life as a coward. I'm just not certain that I can change that? "Can I do this? Should I do this?"

The temperture of the water dropped suddenly and I was forced to exit the safety of my shower. The enternal battle continued. By the time I was dressed I had come to a decision. The decision was simple I was not going to jump into anything. I was far too confused at the moment to make any life altering choices. Basically I was deciding not to decide anything. "Yeah that works. Coward!" I was jolted from my battle as my ceiling began to vibrate from the music that was blaring from Allison's apartment. As the ceiling shook violently, the sweet aroma of coffee filled the air. I needed caffeine and I needed it bad. My courage failed me. Big surprise! After the way I had behaved last night how could I go back upstairs? I was not entirely certain that I would be able to face Allison Kendell again.

I adjusted my suit and packed my briefcase. I hated facing yet another faculty meeting as the newest member of the department. It was like being the new kid in school all over again. Before she died my Mother moved us seven times in as many years. I never really got the hang of making friends. When I went to live with my Grandmother I was finally in a place that was permanent. But I kept skipping grades that was worse than moving around. How do you bond with people who are older than you but not as smart? Let's just say I was stuffed into my locker more than once. The only friends I had made in my life were Gigi and I screwed that up. Then Peter and I had a feeling that I was about to screw that up. And now Allison and that wasn't looking like it is going to last either.

As I repacked my briefcase for the third time I could no longer deny that I was stalling. I should just leave. After all Allison never suggested that we commute together. After what had happened the night before she might prefer it if I just stayed away from her all together. "Coffee?" A voice called from behind me. I turned to find Allison standing in my doorway. She was dressed smartly in a cream colored suit. The light from the French doors illuminated her well defined body. She was breathtaking. "I . . . um . . . um . . . yes." I stammered. "Idiot!"

"Come on then." She waved to me. Her voice had warmed conciderably but I could still detect a hint of coldness to it.

I followed her obediently up the staircase. As we entered her apartment I could not help in thinking just how truely pathetic I was. The music was deafening, but I liked it. The steady rhythm of the guitar was intense. I felt my face redden as the sultry female sing crooned about you little secret. "Sorry about the music." Allison shouted as she made her way over to the CD player and shut it off. "Melissa." She stated simply with a shrug. "It is something of a morning ritual of mine. I never realized how loud it was sounded downstairs. George never complained."

"It is all right. I like it." I answered with a smile. "Who is Melissa?"

"How is your head?"

"Better." I lied. "I still feel as if elves are tap dancing on my skull. How is your knee?"

"Fine." She answered. "How do you like it?"

"What?" I gasped.

"Your coffee?" She offered in a bewildered tone. "How do you like your coffee... cream... sugar?"

"Just milk please." I answered quickly feeling very foolish once again.

"I think there is some in the refrigerator. I'm not positive though. I drink mine black." She offered in a casual manner. It would appear that Allison was at least trying to forget about the embarrassing events of last evening and this morning.

I thanked her as she placed a mug of coffee on the counter for me. I searched the bizarre contents of her refrigerator until I came upon a small carton of milk. It had been hidden behind something that was unidentifiable. I opened the carton and was suddenly overwhelmed. I do not know if it was the stench emanating from the carton or the tequila from last night or a combination of both . . . but I was about to be sick. I threw the carton into the sink and raced off to the bathroom.

Upon my return to the kitchen I found Allison cleaning up the mess I had made. "I'm so sorry Stephanie." She apologized profusely meeting my gaze for the first time since we snuggled in bed this morning. "Allison Kendell that refrigerator is a disgrace." I said trying to regain my composure.

"I know. . . I know." She looked down in embarrassment. " I keep meaning to clean it out. But I never seem to get around to it. Plus I never cook and I drink my coffee black and . . . and . . . I'm sorry."

"Forget it. I used your toothbrush." I snarled as I retrieved my coffee from the counter.

"That seems fair." She laughed.

"I think I just switched to black coffee as well." I said, afraid to ask for some sugar. As I sipped the coffee slowly I braced myself for the bitter after taste. But there wasn't any just a slight hint of vanilla. I had the impression that Allison was not as inept in the kitchen as would like to appear to be. But then again Oscar Madison had a clean fridge so there goes that theory. "Can I asked you something?"

"Sure." She responded carefully.

"The music . . . who is Melissa?" I asked.

"Etheridge. . . Melissa Etheridge." She answered with a combination of shock and horror.

"Of course."

"Don't you have lesbians in Connecticut?"

"No." I stated blankly. "We send them all to New York."

"Humor?" She teased.

We stood there silence as we sipped our coffee each lost in our own thoughts. "I'm sorry Stephanie." She said finally breaking the uneasy silence. "For?" I responded in confusion.

"Last night . . . this morning." She whispered sincerely.

"Why? You are not the one who got drunk and then made a pass at your hostess. Then there is the inflicting of bodily injury and of course throwing up." I sighed in defeat. "Wait I won't apologize for throwing up that was definately your fault. Next time remember that they put expiration dates on things for a reason."

"Well you can let yourself off the hook for my knee as well. Technically I did that to myself." She teased.

"While trying to avoid my advances." I insisted.

"Well at least I did not end up in the emergency room." She laughed in a vain attempt to lighten the mood. "Could you imagine trying to explain to some poor intern at three in the morning that you tripped over your own pants."

"The past twenty four hours have been something of a roller coaster ride." I said absently.

"Poor baby." She sighed compassionately.

Somehow I knew that at that moment she wanted to touch me. I also knew that I wanted her to do it. The moment passed and she did not reach out to me. "Everything is suddenly very confusing." I admitted finally praying that she understood what it was that I was trying to say.

"I do not want to cause you anymore confusion." She spoke with such tenderness. I watched intently as she brushed back a lock of her raven hair. "And I won't. I would like for us to friends. But if my friendship causes you any problems I could . . ."

"No." I interrupted her those blue eyes grew dark. "No your friendship won't cause me any problems." I clarified. "Allison I haven't had very many lasting friendships in my life. I am just starting to realize that it is my fault. I treasure your friendship and I would like to keep it."

Allison had insisted on driving to campus. Along the drive Allison complained nonstop about having to wear high heels and a skirt. As she ranted I could not help but notice how great she looked. "Why can't I just stop looking at her? Are you nuts? A blind man could see how hot this woman is. That is so true I may or may not be gay but anyone would stare at those legs that just keep going on and on and . . . . and on . . . and . . ."

"I mean what sick bastard invented these things. Like I'm not tall enough." Allison continued to bitch about her footwear. There something about Allison that I noticed this morning in addition to her legs. She was going to great lengths to avoid eye contact with me. It was a small thing but even during our first encouter Allison had alway maintained direct eye contact. After watching her over the past few weeks I picked up on the fact that she made a point to do this with everyone. Until now. Wow I must have really freaked her out. "Why should she be freaked out? Even if I am a lesbian she has made it quite clear that she is not an option."

Upon arriving on campus we went directly to our office. How comforting it all sounded, our office . . .our house. From the other side of the partition that separated our desks I could hear Allison fumbling around. I wanted so desperately to go to her. I pushed the thought from my mind as I dialed the telephone company and made the necessary arrangments to have my new telephone installed. Of course these days there was no actual installation. You buy a new phone and someone somewhere flips a switch. I groaned as the woman on the other end listed my options. I needed to choose a local carrier and a long distance carrier and did I want internet services, voice mail, caller id and so on. I chose my local and long distance carriers and made a note about the internet. Not sure if I would need it since I was already on line at my office here on campus. I carefully jotted down my new telephone number as the very pleasant woman read it off. She informed me that my new service would be connected no later than tomorrow afternoon. The woman's voice was very soothing and I found myself doing what I always did. I tried to picture what she looked like. Suddenly I blushed as this innocent game that I had always played took on a new meaning.

I thanked the woman as she transfered me so I could confirm that I chose my local and long distance carriers freely. Sometimes I missed the days when Ma Bell controlled the world. As I waited patiently I looked over to the couch in the corner of the office. I smiled noting that Allison had made good on her promise and cleaned her side of the office. That alone should irk good old Stan. I finished with the telephone company and made my next call to the cable company. This call did not go as smoothly. Unlike the telephone company there was only one option in certain areas as to who could be your cable provider. The problem came from trying to set up a time. With my schedule we could not agree since they came between the scheduled time and hell freezing over. Frustrated knowing that taking an entire day off at the start of the semester during your first week on the job was very unwise. Allison finally came to the rescue when she shouted over the partition that Mrs. Giavanni could let them in. I shouted my thanks to her and set up an appointment. I knew that my meager belongings would be more than safe under Mrs. Giavanni's watchful eye.

I hung up and listened to Allison chatting on the telephone to someone in what sounded like french. I sat there twirling my pencil and debated on wether or not to call Peter. I really should call him after all we had not spoken in weeks. What would I say to him? "Hi sweetheart how is work going? Oh by the way I almost cheated on you last night. Oh yeah and I might be gay. What is new with you?" Twenty four hours ago my only problems consisted of finding a suitable apartment for myself and Peter and beating Allison at tennis. Granted now those problems were history. I found an apartment that was far from suitable for two people and playing tennis with Allison was no longer what I had in mind. "And just who is she speaking French to?"

"Au revoir et n'oubliez pas de me donner un coup de fil." Allison finished and hung up the telephone.

"I wonder what that means? The Au revoir is pretty simple but . . . way to focus Stephanie! Stop eavesdropping and call your boyfriend!" My hands were shaking as I dialed the familar number. "What is wrong with me I am almost thirty three years old. I have a PHD in early American history. I have written five books on the hidden secrets of this nation's history. So why am I sitting here with sweaty palms terrified at the prospect of talking to my boyfriend of almost six years? This is insane! Maybe hearing his voice will help put things in perspective? Maybe he is busy and I will get his voice mail? Coward!"

"Peter Burton." He answered cheerfully.

"Damn! I mean Hi Honey." Smooth blondie! I watched as Allison made a sudden departure from the office stopping at the coffee table located just outside of our office. Maureen joined her and the two began what seemed to be an animated conversation.

"Steffi Sweetheart!" Peter's voice beamed through the reciever. "It is so good to finally hear your voice. I was beginning to think that you didn't love me anymore."

I could tell that he was teasing but that did not stop the guilt from stabbing at my heart. "I miss you too." I lied. As the words left my lips it looked as if Allison was about to reenter the office. She turned quickly and rejoined Maureen. "I found an apartment." I continued realizing that I was about to hurt two very dear people. "But there is some bad news."

"What is it?" He said quietly.

"Well Peter you see it is like this . . ." I hesitated unsure of just what to tell him. "It is a studio." I said quickly knowing that there was no way I was going to do this over the telephone. "It is much too small for two people." I ended quickly.

"That is it?" Peter laughed. "You worry about the strangest things. Look I will see it when I come up in a few weeks for our anniversary. If it is too small then it still isn't a problem. I am being transferred to Providence and maybe by the time I move we can find something together. Maybe someplace between Haven and Rhode Island. I know it will be a commute for both of us. We should think about getting you a car."

"But I agreed to rent it at least until the end of the semester." I argued.

"Sweetheart that is not a problem. I'm not leaving here until the end of the year. And who knows maybe by then I could probably hook up with a company in Boston or Cambridge. There is a lot of new tech companies starting up in Lynnfield and New Hampshire, which would be closer to Haven so I could start looking there." He was so comforting and so willing to do anything to make me happy.

"Peter you love working for Syntak." I protested.

"I love you more." He added. "Great more guilt! How could I have betrayed him so easily?"

To make matter worse while Peter continued his end of the conversation filling me in on what was happening in his life and how much he missed me, I was oogling Allison as she was talking to Maureen. Everything about her set me on fire. How could I be doing this? Here I am talking casually to Peter while I am lusting after Allison. "Can't blame the tequila this time." I needed to sort this out. I was not going to tell him anything until I was positive and I won't do it on the telephone. He deserved better then that.

Peter and I had been friends at UConn. even though he was a few years older than myself. After I went on to Yale we stayed friends. Then when my Grandmother became ill he was the only one that was really there for me. When she past away it was Peter who held me together. He helped with all of the arrangements and took care of me. It was then that I began to see this shy dark haired boy with big brown puppy dog eyes in a new light. After the few family and friends left the house the day we buried her he sat up with me and held me as I cried myself to sleep. Then He helped sell the house and settle my Grandmother's affairs. When everything was finished I took him to dinner to thank him for all he had done.

It was on that night that we kissed for the first time and he has been the man in my life ever since. He was the perfect choice even if a part of me felt as if something was missing. On our first anniversary together He finally confessed to me that he had been in love with me for years but lacked the courage to say anything. I remembered how adorable he was while admitting to the truth. The poor guy turned every shade of red imaginable. It was at that moment that I decided that this was the man I was going to marry. Everything seemed perfect until last night. I suddenly wished my Grandmother were still alive. I needed her now more than ever. She had been the one constant in my life. Is that what Peter was? Did he simply step into her shoes as my guiding light?

If my Grandmother were still alive would I be with Peter? And if that dear sweet very conservative very Irish Catholic lady were still with me what would she say about my current situation? "That would not be pretty! I have a feeling that Peter's reaction isn't going to be any better." Poor Peter. He waited for me all of those years and now I do nothing but take him for granted. Here He is ready to leave a job that he loves just to be with me. Would I do the same for him? What about Peter was my only attraction to him that he is the complete opposite of my Father?

"Stephanie?" Peter voice called to me. I apologized quickly lying about a bad connection. I informed him that my telephone would be hooked up tomorrow and I gave him the number. Then I lied once again and told him how much I was looking forward to seeing him. As I hung up the telephone I felt like a complete fraud. My brilliant life plan had not taken into account that sometimes life has plans of it's own. I have been forcing myself to change who I am to fit somekind of ideal of who I should be. All the while telling myself that I was happy.

Was I happy? The twenty million dollar question. I told myself I was. But that was before Maureen walked into that seminar I was teaching and made me an offer I could not refuse. Prior to Maureen's offer I had been actively pursuing a position at Brown. I had taught a seminar there and the faculty was impressed. But there weren't any openings at that time. If I had just gotten the position at Brown everything would have been perfect. Peter could have transfered and we would have gotten married and started a family. Everything would have been just fine. Until the day the truth would have forced it's way out. Then what would I have done? This is bad enough but at least I found out now. I suddenly realized what I had just admitted to myself. This wasn't about Allison or Peter. This was about me. I was not making a decision. I was simply accepting the truth. The problem was that the truth was screwing everything up.

"Stephanie?" Maureen called to me bringing me back to reality or as close to it as I can get at this moment. "Time for the staff meeting." She informed me. I followed Maureen and Allison to Bradley Hall. There was a large gathering in one of the lecture halls. Maureen had thoughtfully arranged for food services to set up an array of coffee and danish. It was a welcome treat just the thing I needed to take my mind off of everything. I eagerly helped myself to a large cup of coffee and an apple danish. I searched for Allison only to discover her surrounded by a large group of people.

Over come with shyness I was suddenly the new kid at school once again. There I was standing on the outside while everyone else gathered in their own little groups. I was horrified to see Allison do the same. "So much for the we can still be friends chat we had this morning. Was it my phone call to Peter? I know she must have heard me tell him that I missed him. Was that it? Of course it was. How two faced I must have seemed. But she didn't understand. I owe him. Peter is a decent man. Why should I have to explain this to her? More importantly why do I feel that I should?"

I look around to find a place to seat myself. I looked hopefully towards Allison but she did not seem to notice me. I could not help but notice that she was surrounded mostly by women. One in particular was an older very attractive woman with dark skin and a slight hint of gray in her hair. I noticed her because she was overly friendly towards Allison. "Great now I am jealous. Last night I discover lust and today I am awaken to jealousy and envy." Years of keeping my emotions in check had come crashing down and I was exposed. I also felt like a major dork standing there with my coffee and danish with no where to go. I was forced to take the only seat available. I sat next to Stan. With his twelve year old tweed suit, graying hair and wire rimmed glasses, Stan was the portrait of a history professor. I said goodmorning to him and he simply grunted in reply. I could not help looking over my shoulder to see Allison. She was laughing at something the older woman had said.

"How are you surviving?" Stan asks finally.

"What?" I question him surprised that the man had spoken to me.

"How are you surviving sharing office space with Kendell?" He snarled as he spoke her name. "She is such a fraud."

"Allison and I are getting along very well thank you." I snap injuured by his assessment of Allison. Of course it seems odd defending her while she was sitting on the other side of the room and I was stuck there with Stan. Stan was possibly the most boring person on the face of the earth.

"Just be careful." Stan warned me.

"What do you mean?"

"Well you never know with those people." He cautioned me.

Those people! Is that what I was afraid of? Being labeled. "You know Stan. . . I know that your specialty is early American history . . . but you really should take a look at this century." I snarled at him.

"All I am saying . . ." He began to argue obiviously put off by my tone.

"Stan!" I cut him off. "I'm not interested."

Thankfully Maureen chose that moment to begin and walked up to the podium. Everyone greeted her with applause. "Suck ups." Maureen laughed. Maureen proceeded to give her speech. I could tell by the looks of my fellow facutly members that this particular speech has been heard more than once. Maureen explained that this was the last time the entire faculty would meet as a whole during the semester. The department was divided by serveral different classifications ranging from time periods and geographical interest. Maureen went on to remind everyone of the constant cross overs that would occur within our department as well as with other departments and that team work was the key. Then she listed accomplishments of the staff who had published or recieved awards during the past semester. Then she reminded everyone of the old academic rule of survival publish or perish. I noticed that she was looking directly at Allison as she said this.

Maureen also reminded us not to abuse the interns and TA's since they were here to learn. Then she introduced me as the newest member of the department. She listed all of my accomplishments etc. Everyone seemed impressed. Everyone except Allison. I stood and received a very warm round of applause as I was greeted by my new peers. Maureen concluded the meeting with a reminder that the departments basketball team the relics still needed positions filled. She assured us that this would be the year that we would finally beat the English department. She looked once again to Allison who simply raised a single eyebrow with a questioning look. "Basketball huh? I always did well with that sport and others. My only hold back was I could never play for my school since my age never matched my grade level. This might be a nice diversion. Then again a little one on one pratice sessions with a certain tall dark history professor could certainly be enjoyable."

The room emptied quickly and Allison was nowhere to be found. Dejected I walked back to my office alone. I found Allison and Maureen in a heated conversation. Not wanting to interupt, I busied myself at the coffee station. I tried not to listen but my close proximity and their raised voices made it impossible.

"Allison I want to see you make tenure." Maureen scolded her.

"So I do." Allison defended herself.

"What about Stanford?" Maureen pushed.

"Nothing is definite yet." Allison sighed. "It would be a seven week seminar with a promise to our Dean that I will return. But I will miss the spring semester here. It would be good for my resume."

"Think about it." Maureen pushed harder. "You need something like this. You also need to publish."

"I know." Allison groaned.

"You could work with Stephanie." Maureen suggested. "Her specialty is the American Civil War. You are always talking about doing something on your family history."

"Stephanie must have a very full plate already." Allison argued.

"Is there a problem? I told you that I want the two of you to get along."

"Oh we are." Allison replied in a dry tone. Her deep contralto voice sent shivers down my spine.

It was time to save Allison. I walked in pretending to be oblivous to the tension. I carried in two cups of coffee both black and set one down on Allison's desk. "Thanks for leaving me with Stan." I teased her. I was not prepared for the firey blue stare I received in return.

"You left her with Stan!" Maureen chastised her. "Didn't you just tell me that the two of you were getting along?"

"Don't worry we are." I replied with a false air of calmness. "So long as you don't leave me with Stan again."

I was surprised when Allison simply turned to her desk without saying a word. "Stephanie do you play basketball?" Maureen asked out of the blue. "No." I lied. Suddenly I had lost interest in the game. Allison's coldness left me feeling vacant.

"Damn." Maureen grumbled. "Allison if you do go to Stanford will you be back in time for the softball season?"

"No." Allison responded curtly.

"The team needs you." Maureen pushed.

"Why?" Allison laughed. "Is it the way I can't hit, throw or run? Maureen how many times do I have to tell you not all of us girls are good in sports. Look at you. You are a total jock and the picture of heterosexuality. Lesbians having an innate ability for sports is a myth."

"Then why are you so good at tennis?" Maureen teased.

"That is the Martina gene." Allison snorted. "And I am not talking about that snotty little punk who is on the circuit now."

I listened to the two of them banter back and forth. "Why did you lie about playing basketball? A few moments ago you wanted to play?"

"How about you Stephanie?" Maureen asked innocently.

"What?"

"Do you play softball?" Maureen repeated.

"Yes." I answered honestly this time. "I used to play first base and I did a little pitching. It was hard in school to stay on a team because I was always younger than everyone else. But in Grad school I played with a local team. I did okay."

"Great! You can join the team in the spring." Maureen cheered then she bounced out of the room.

"How is our softball team?" I asked noticing that Allison was still refusing to look at me.

"The Relics." Allison chuckled. "We suck."

"Great." I moaned. "Who cares. I 'm looking forward to playing again. It should be fun. After all winning isn't everything."

"Tell that to Maureen." Allison commented dryly.

I stood there for a moment uncertain as to how to keep the conversation going. I made a couple of attempts and received one word answers in response. Finally Allison stood and excused herself muttering something about going to the library. Not once did she look at me. I sulked over to my desk and finished working on my syllabus for tomorrow's classes. I worked on the computer for what seemed like hours. I looked at my watch and realized that Allison's class was meeting. I told myself that I was going over there to listen to her theories on the Brady Bunch and it had nothing to do with wanting to see her. I ran hoping to catch the class before it was over.

As slipped quietly in and hid in the back of the room. Luckly her class was running late again. The students were captivated as always. But it was obvious that Allison was wrapping things up. I loved to watch her in action. Maybe I could learn something from her about teaching. I needed to find out what her schedule was for the new semester.

"So what have we learned from television?" Allison asked her students. "From the facts and the distortions that the media has offered to us?"

"That most lesbians would choose Jan as their favorite Brady." One girl shouted out. The classroom erupted with laughter as I blushed.

"Yes." Allison agreed with a smile. "That is true even though neither the character or the actress are gay. Which is too bad since Eve Plumb grew up to be . . ." Allison paused slightly as she noticed me standing in the back of the room. " . . . um . . . she grew up to be very attractive." She finished looking directly at me. I could feel the heat from the haze of blue cast in my direction. Quickly she turned away appearing to be at a loss. "Anyway... I... um... I'm sorry." She apologized and shook her head and closed her eyes for a moment as she ran her hand threw her dark hair. Her eyes opened and she was back fully composed. "Friday is the final and I wanted to talk about that. I am sorry that the summer session ran late this year. But the construction on campus has thrown everything off track." She paused once again and closed her eyes briefly. "For the final there will be eighty questions. No true or false and no multiple choice. There will also be two essay questions." There was a collective groan emitted from her students.

Allison smiled at their response. "I also want you to be prepared that there will be no questions regarding television." Her students were visibly shocked. I had to agree with them. I never heard them discussing anything but television. The first time I watched her all they discussed was the orginal Star Trek series. Allison just stood there and smiled that all knowing smile of hers as she worked that single eyebrow up into it's familar arch. "Ladies, Gentleman and others." The students laughed once again but this time their discomfort was evident. "Now before you jump out of your seats and attack . . . allow me to enlighten you. When you signed up for this course, you enrolled in a course offered by the history department. I know that it is easy to forget that when you are talking about I Love Lucy. But all of this time you were really talking about American history. Therefore I am basing the final exam on our discussions. I paid very close attention to those discussions and I am banking on that you did too. Some of you may have continued those discussions after leaving this classroom."

I watched as many students nodded their heads in agreement. "How do we review for the final?" One panicked young man squeaked.

"Relax." Allison reassured her students. "Just think about what we have talked about. We covered a great deal of history this summer. Don't forget that the focus was on a thirty year span. The three decades we talked about were the 50's, the 60's and the 70's. Remember the name of this course American History A Culture in Conflict 1950 to 1980? Don't freak out! Every time I teach this course everyone ends up in a panic over the final. Trust me on this I am certain that you all will do just fine." No one seemed to relax even with Allison's reassurances. "Now I also wanted to remind all of you that I will be teaching extra classes this fall. Because I may not be here for the spring semester."

My heart sank at the thought of Allison leaving. "You are leaving?" One student said, voicing my own fears. "No." Allison responded calmly. I felt as if I could breath again. "But more than likely I will be teaching a seminar at Stanford. I will return before the end of the semester. It is a possibility that I will teach a short seminar here when I return. Nothing is definite." The offer from Stanford that she and Maureen had been discussing earlier. I know that she needed to do this but still I did not want her to go. What if Stanford offers her a position?

"Professor Kendell?" One older student called out. "Is there any chance that you will be teaching the course on the history of the tobacco industry?"

"No." Allison replied firmly. "That course is being taught by Dr. Steiner. But she will be using my book Signs along Tobacco Road and I have agreed to come in for a discussion."

"But you won't be discussing any of the inside info?" The student pried.

"I can't." Allison answered coldly.

I wondered what that was all about as the students asked a few more questions regarding the up coming semester. "Speaking of up coming courses." Allison's deep voice broke my train of thought. "I suppose some of you have been wondering about our mystery guest for the past few weeks." She direction their attention to me. "She is with the FBI and you are all in trouble for what you said about J. Edgar Hoover." Allison teased. "Seriously this is Dr. Stephanie Grant and she is new to the history department here at Haven. Dr. Grant will be teaching several courses on the American Civil War and one on the history of the Free Masons. So you might want to check her out." Many of the students chuckled at Allison's blunder as she blushed. "I meant to say check out her classes you animals. Now get out of here and do not I repeat do not freak out over the final. I will see you all on Friday."

The students departed with unusual speed. I sensed that they were not heeding Allison's warning not to freak out over the final. "Thank You for the endorsement." I said as I approached her.

"Anytime." Allison replied quietly as she began to fill her briefcase without a single glance in my direction. She was so sullen. It was not like her. After a class she was usually very up. Still not looking at me she sunk into the chair at her desk. It was the first time I had seen her use her chair. Normally she stood or sat on the desk. She seemed so tense as she began to rub her eyes. Without thinking I stepped behind her and began to rub her shoulders. "Don't." She warned me bitterly.

"I'm sorry." I said softly removing my hands. Once again my body reacted before my brain had an opportunity to stop me. It had just seemed so natural to reach out to her. Just as natural as it was to climb into her arms this morning. Had I been thinking clearly I would have realized that I was the source for her tension.

"I have things to do." She muttered coldly. "I will see you at the Dean's Tea."

"Fine." I snapped as I spun on my heels and stormed out.

 

*************

 

CHAPTER FOUR

The Dean's Tea was incredibly dull. It was divided into two groups of people. Those who were fighting for Dean Tanner's attention and those who were trying to avoid him. However it did allow me an opportunity to meet some of my new associates. Everyone seemed to be very nice. There was a feeling of family among my fellow staff members. I knew that I was going to love working at Haven. All I needed to do was to get Allison Kendell out of my system once and for all. That seemed to be getting easier by the moment. I spent the majority of the afternoon searching the crowd for the familar tall dark figure that had turned my world spinning. Allison was nowhere to be seen. It was not likely that I simply could not find her. Even with the large crowd, the six foot raven haired beauty was a commanding presence.

I could not blame her. After all I was the one who kept crossing the line. Maureen approached me and touched me gently on the shoulder. "Can I talk to you for a moment?" She said quietly so she would not be over heard by prying ears. I simply nodded my consent and we made our way down the path into the garden located behind the Dean's home. Once we were alone Maureen finally spoke. "Stephanie I am worried about Allison." The worry was written plainly on the usually jovial woman's face.

"Why?" I questioned uncertain as to what I should and should not say regarding Allison's notable absence.

"She has been tense and flashing attitude all day." Maureen explained with concern. "I know Allison has a smart mouth. Hell it is part of her charm. But it is not like her to be such a bitch. This morning she almost took poor Grace's head off." Grace was the secretary that Allison and I shared with two other instructors. The elderly woman was always cheerful and there was nothing she could not accomplish. I honestly believe that she could locate Jimmy Hoffa's remains if requested to do so.

"Maybe she is just hung over from last night." I lied hoping to offer some explaination that would ease some of Maureen's worries.

"I hope that you are right." Maureen sighed in exasperation. "She was never a big drinker. But still she really needs to be here and she knows it. I know that this tea is nothing more than an ass kissing contest but Allison is in a vulnerable position right now."

I thought back to the heated conversation I overheard this morning between the two women. "Are her chances of making tenure in trouble?" I asked worried that I had somehow let my new friend down.

"Yes." Maureen confessed. "It's not fair she is twice the teacher of anyone in the department, myself included. But she has not published anything in almost two years. And the works that she has published in the past are not literary gems." I felt a stab of guilt as Maureen's words hit me.

"Publishing means that much here?" I sneered in disgust. I will never understand the politics of higher learning. Allison was truely gifted when it came to teaching. That didn't seem to be important. What was important is that she pad her credentials so the University could parade them around.

"It means the same here as any other University." Maureen explained. "You do not have any worries. With everything that you have already published and your more than impressive background the Dean thinks I scored a major coup by getting you to sign on. Even though Haven is just probably a stepping stone for you."

"How did you know?" I asked in horror.

"Don't be so shocked." Maureen answered with a knowing smile. "I know Haven has a stellar reputation. But we are not Ivy League. Many instructors come here just to pad their credentials. Myself included. When I first came here I simply wanted to put in my time build my reputation and then move on to bigger and better. Before I knew it this became home to me. When I got married I could not think of a better place to raise my children. Plus being offered the department chair was a big incentive as well."

We stood there in an awkward silence knowing that Maureen needed to say more but she seemed reluctant. Finally she asked the one question I been dreading. "Stephanie what happened between you and Allison?"

"What do you mean?" I choked. How am I going to get out of this one?

"What I mean is that last night the two of you were like two peas in a pod. Then today she seems to be avoiding you. Hell she dumped you with Stan." Maureen explained in a bewilder tone. "I meant it when I said that I wanted the two of you to get along. It's not because she is gay is it?"

"No." I laughed at the irony of her statement. "It is most definitely not her homosexuality." "It's mine." I added silently.

"Then what is it?" Maureen pushed harder.

"Nothing." I lied once again.

"Stephanie, I consider Allison to be a good friend of mine." Maureen was determined. "Right now something is very wrong with her and I am getting the same feeling that I get with my kids on report card day. I know you know what is going on so stop hiding it and just spill it."

I was suddenly relieved that I was not one of Maureen's children. She wasn't going to except anything but the truth. So I might as well get it over with and face the music. "Maureen . . . you do not have to worry about Allison and I getting along." I swallowed hard terrified that I was about to make a huge mistake. "That is the problem." Maureen just stared at me blankly waiting for the rest. I had no options but to continue. "Last night we got along a little too well." I blew out a breath and waited for everything to hit the fan.

"Well that explains it." She responded calmly.

"I wish someone would explain it to me." I whined in despair. "Wait. You do not seemed to be surprised? Maureen before Allison mentioned my boyfriend did you think I was gay?"

"Yes." Maureen answered reluctantly.

"Why?" I shouted in amazement. "How could she have seen something that I spent a lifetime hiding from myself?"

"I don't know." Maureen answered shyly. "My brother is gay and in college I played a lot of sports and as a result I have many lesbian friends. Over the years I think I developed my own sense of gaydar."

"Did Allison think I was gay?"

"Well . . . um . . . yeah." Maureen admitted. "We talked about it."

"You what?" I gasped in shock. "I cannot believe the two of you sat around and discussed my sexuality!"

"Hold on." Maureen raised her hands in defense. "It's not what you think. After the two of you met I simply asked her if she thought that you were her religion. She said yes and that was it. Of course I was secretly hoping that the two of you might hook up. She has been single for far too long and I thought that you would be good for her. But she has this thing about dating colleagues."

"Really? Why is that?" I questioned suddenly intrigued about this new revelation.

Maureen was about to answer my question when I heard very familar footsteps approaching. I knew it was her before I heard her sultry voice. "Because Chris and I worked together and whenever we had problems the entire firm knew about it. Sometimes before I did." Allison explained in a flat tone.

"Allison!" I gasped suddenly feeling like a deer caught in the headlights of an approaching vehicle.

"Relax." She smiled. "You haven't done anything wrong. I would have told Maureen myself."

"Where have you been?" Maureen questioned her sternly.

"I have been making nice with the Dean." Allison explained.

"Really?" Maureen question her suspiciously.

"Yes really." Allison defended herself. "I know I was late so as soon as I arrived I spent all of my time sucking up to the old coot. I may be in a pissy mood but I'm not an idiot."

"So is everything all right between the two of you or am I going to have to separate you?" Maureen folded her arms across her chest eyeing the both of us.

"Everything is fine." Allison answered quickly for the both of us. "And just for the record nothing happened last night." "Maybe not for you." I thought to myself.

The three of us strolled back to the party which appeared to be breaking up. Maureen and Allison talked by themselves for a moment. Maureen waved goodbye to me and made her departure. Allison turned to me a tense smile crossed her face as she approached me. She bit her lip as she stared at me intently. She sighed a heavy breath and smiled a more relaxed smile. "Come on. We need to find you some funiture." She said in a soothing voice.

"You still want to do this with me?" I asked carefully.

"To be completely honest I considered just loaning you my car." She confessed. "But then after I had a chance to think things over I realized that I have been behaving very badly today. I was put off by what I heard you say to your boyfriend. I shouldn't have been. It is none of my business . . . it was that this morning . . . I . . . well that is not important. I also realized that I need to stop over reacting to every innocent gesture. It's just that after last night I felt confused. Instead of realizing that you and I were comfortable with touching one another in a friendly manner before all of this happened . . . I over reacted." She seemed relieved at having explained things to me finally.

"I do not think you over reacted." I said sincerely. "Well maybe just a little. But I did not help matters any. Look I'm the one who started all of this." I put my hand up stopping her from interupting me. "Enough. I'm sorry and you are sorry. Let's try to do what we promised each other this morning. I want our friendship back and so do you. I don't know about you but I am getting a headache from all of this drama. A drunken make out session isn't worth all of this stress."

She smiled sweetly at my declaration. We began to walk away when I touched her arm. I was pleased that she didn't flinch are make any attempt to refuse my offer. "Allison in regards to your behavior, you need to remember that I have seen act much worse than this." I teased her.

"That is right." She laughed. "I keep forgetting that you got to see me as the lawyer bitch. Tell me something back then I didn't make you cry did I?"

"As a matter of fact you did." I admitted. "But I did manage to hold off until I was safely away from you. How did you know?"

"Back then I made everyone cry. Even my own Mother." Allison admitted with a dejected shrug.

We drove into town to the futon shop and I looked around. I had to budget everything very carefully since I would not receive my first paycheck until the end of the month. A polite young salesman showed us around. I could tell by Allison's demeanor that shopping was not one of her favorite things to do. I on the other hand loved to explore and take my time. I curbed my usual prowling and selected a simple full sized model. The saleman looked at me oddly and suggested that perhaps a queen size or perhaps a king size would be more suitable. I explained that a full size was more than suitable for myself. Politely pointing out my height or lack there of.

It was when he cast a shy glance over to Allison that it dawned on me that he thought that we were a couple. I held back a laugh thinking that if his assumption was correct than yes, we would definately require a much larger mattress. I was about to correct his error when Allison whispered to me. "How tall is Peter?"

"A little taller than you. Why?" I whispered my reply not wanting to embarrass the poor sales boy any further.

"Then I think this guy is right." Allison explained. "With your build the full is all right for just you, but what about when . . . you know?"

"You are right. I didn't even think about that." I confessed.

"Why would you? When you are my height you think of these things." Allison teased me as she patted the top of my head to stress her point.

I informed the salesman that a king size would be more appropriate and was relieved when he confirmed that the model I had selected was available in that size. The model I had chosen was a simple wood frame that could be pulled down easily. This way I would not have to go to great lengths each morning and evening. With one tug the futon snapped down into a bed and with a simple push it instantly converted back into a couch.

While the futon and it's mattress were being loaded into Allison car the salesman suggested that we look around at some of the covers they had available. As we sorted threw the various designs I leaned over and whispered to Allison, "You know the salesman thinks we are a couple."

"I know." She giggled. "Does that bother you?" She asked quickly.

"No." I answered honestly.

"How about this one." She said holding up an ivory colored cover with a simple floral design.

"Perfect." I smiled. "What size is it?"

"Full." She frowned and we both began searching for the correct size. In our search our hands touched and I felt a spark race through my body. Neither of us moved as our eyes met and our breathing became labored. It was the briefest of moments but the intensity of the innocent touch was almost over powering. Allison slowly pulled her hand away and crossed her arms in front of her. I paused for a moment to catch my breath and then proceeded to resume my search. Finding the correct size I walked over to the counter and paid for my purchases.

After we departed the futon shop we proceeded to browse through every shop Main Street had to offer. Everywhere we stopped people greeted Allison. As she introduced me I realized that Haven was a very small town, populated mostly by students and members of the faculty from the University. I could tell by the expressions on most people's faces that they were already assuming that Allison and I were a couple. It bothered me that people just assumed that because Allison was a lesbian that meant since we were out shopping together that we must be lovers. It wasn't the assumption that I was lucky enough to have this woman as my lover. But it was the narrowed minded assumption that a gay woman could not be just friends with another woman.

Allison of course true to her nature took every opportunity to make it perfectly clear to everyone that she was just showing her new friend around town. It was more than apparent to me that Allison had been down this road before. "I need a break." Allison whined. "Let's go in here my feet are killing me." Needing relief from all of the walking we had down I saw no reason to argue with her suggestion. I waved packages towards the doorway and we entered the little ice cream parlor. Like everything else in town it was a throw back to another era. With it's art deco lighting and furnishings it took my breath away. I groaned when I noticed that it was also packed with people.

"This is the only place in town to get ice cream." Allison explained noticing my dismay. "Fortunately it is great. Look I think there is a booth opening up." We moved quickly and grabbed the booth as soon as the two young gentlemen who had been occupying it stood.

"Good work." I complimented her.

"I had no intention of standing outside." Allison griped as she discreetly slipped off her high heels. "It's not usually this busy during the week but with classes starting tomorrow everyone is out running last minute errands."

"How can there be only ice cream place in town?" I asked in amazement recalling how small I had always viewed New Haven to be.

"Haven is a small town." Allison stated simply. "There is only one ice cream palor, one Chinese restaurant, one bakery, one drug store, etc. Every couple of years or so some big chain tries to move in. They never survive. Sometimes I think that this town is stuck in somekind of Normal Rockwell painting. After all of those years with the hustle and coldness of living in New York City I have really come to love the quiet of this little town. And if I get bored with the crickets chirping I can always head down Rte. 128 and go into Boston. And of course this time of year a trip to Salem is always alot of fun."

"The Witch City?" I could barely contain my excitement. "How far away is Salem? I am really looking forward to spending sometime there. The history is fascinating."

"Salem is only about fifteen minutes away by car. I could take you there some weekend. I know which tourist traps to avoid." Allison offered.

"I would love it." I responded gleefully.

"Unless of course you wanted to go with Peter." Allison added sullenly.

"Peter." I sighed. "Here we go again."

"Stephanie don't." Allison cautioned as she rubbed her eyes. For the first time I could see how withdrawn she looked. The dark circles under her eyes caused my heart to drop. "I mean it Stephanie." Allison said firmly as she looked deep into my eyes for the first time since last evening. They were bloodshot. Has she been crying? What have I done? "Look I owe you an explaination. Well not an explaination really just that I should make a few things clear about myself. We have a few moments before our waitor will get a chance to make his way over here. Why don't I try to fill you in."

I nodded in agreement anixous to have some insight into this woman who had captivated me. "You know about Chris." Allison began slowly. "Well as I said this afternoon we worked together. What hurt me the most was when I realized that most of the people I worked with must have known that she was running around on me. To know that my colleagues just turned a blind eye to it and probably gossiped about it behind my back really hurt my feelings."

"I can understand that."

"What you don't understand and what Maureen does not know is that in the end I probably hurt her more than she ever hurt me."

"That I don't understand." Now I was really confused. Chris cheated on her betrayed her trust and left her open for gossip in her workplace. How could anyone hurt someone more than that?

"After we split Chris wanted a second chance." Allison explained. "When I flatly refused she began to drag out our break up. We had lived together and there were details that needed to be taken care of. Chris was in no hurry to close our relationship. I don't know maybe she thought given enough time she could win me back. At that point I just wanted out. Finally one night in a moment of anger I admitted to her that I was never really in love with her. That our getting together had more to do with timing than with passion. I know this is going to sound cold but she simply fit into my life plan."

A wave of guilt rushed over me as I realized the cruelty of the situation. A cruelty that I was also guilty of with Peter. Did I truely love him or did he just fit into some ideal that I had been creating? "It was at that moment that our amicable break up turned very ugly." Allison went on.

"So that is how Chris got the BMW."

"And I got out." Allison admitted with a deep sigh. "I know that Chris gets a bad rap from Maureen. But you have to understand that I was never really there for her. On the other hand she is not a monogamous person by nature. The worse part of all of this is that Chris and I had been really good friends before we were lovers. It has taken a long time but we are friends again. But we will never be as close as we once were. Of course it doesn't help that every once and awhile she tries to hand me that baby won't you please come back crap."

"Would you ever go back to her?" I asked with hesitation.

"No." Allison answered firmly. "It would be easy to do. Life with Chris would be comfortable. But she has the fidelity level of a Kennedy . It is not even that honestly, the bottom line is that I am not in love with her. When I walked out on her I knew that I wanted more from life than to settle."

Thankfully our waitor chose that moment to arrive before I could further berate myself for the way I had been directing my life. "Would you like luncheon or dessert menus Professor Kendell?" He asked sweetly.

"Neither Vince." Allison instructed. "I will have the Aloha Sundae."

"Great." He beamed. "And what would you like Ma'am?" He asked innocently as Allison choked as I mouthed the word 'ma'am'.

"What would you recommend Professor?" I teased her.

"For you Dr. Grant I would have to say, you look like the kind of girl who would love the Sinful Chocolate Boat." Allison blushed slightly as she made her recommendation.

"You are Dr. Grant?" Vince beamed at me. "I will be taking your course on the History of the Free Masons."

"Good for you Vince!" Allison congratulated him. "Vince is pre-law but what he really wants to do is become the next Jack Kennedy."

"An honest Jack Kennedy." Vince cut in. "No myths of Camelot. Just honest leadership."

"How was you summer in New York other than hot?" Allison asked the proud young man.

"Great! Thank you again. I really learned a great deal from Ms. Beaumont." Vince gushed. "She asked about you a lot. She told me that if it wasn't for you reccomendation she would have never considered me. She runs the type of law practice that I would like to work for."

"Good to hear Vince. Now go get our ice cream after all of the walking we did today we deserve it." Allison shooed the youngster away.

"Yes Ma'am." He responded brightly as he rushed off.

"You know Allison if that boy really wants to make it politics, he needs to stop calling every woman over twenty five Ma'am." Allison laughed at my observation. Then she seemed to drift off somewhere. I watched her run her long fingers threw her raven hair. I could sense that there was something more she needed to tell me. For some reason she was uncertain. "So how old are you?" I said suddenly breaking the uneasy silence.

"Excuse me!" Allison gasped as she feigned false indignation. I simply arched my eyebrows in response. "Oh all right. I will be thirty six next November."

"A scorpio?" I purred. "I am purring! Am I flirting with her?"

"Watch it." Allison warned. "I for one do not believe in all of that stuff."

"What stuff?"

"You know the bad reputation that all scorpio's have. That we are mysterious and secretive and . . ." Allison started to laugh. "Okay so maybe some of it is true. And just how old are you Dr. Grant?"

"Thirty two." I admitted freely. I never understood why women felt a need to lie about their ages. Perhaps my self assurance stemmed from the fact that at times I could pass for a teenager. "You know the first time we met I would not have guessed that we were so close in age."

"Well back then I was lawyer Barbie." Allison explained with touch of saddness. "I worked very hard to fit that image. And I did. Except for the gay part."

"Did you ever try to hide it at work?"

"Never." Allison said firmly. "Chris and I started at Wainwright and Griggs at the same time and she was all hung up on people not knowing. But that was the one thing that I refused to compromise on. Granted I didn't rent a billboard in Times Square. But I never lied about my homosexuality. When I left I was on my way to becoming a named partner. But I never kidded myself. Deep down I knew that it was my name more than my talent. Maybe that is why I wasn't afraid of being out in a very conservative law firm."

"It was nice of you to help Vince out." I said trying to keep the conversation going. I knew that there was something she was not telling me. It amazed me that after such a short period of time I felt as if I really knew this woman.

"He is a good kid." Allison replied simply. "I just wanted to see him start off on the right track. Jessica's firm is a good place to start. She does a lot of probono and women's rights cases not to mention her constant battles with the slum lords in New York. Firms like hers will help him keep focused." She paused for a moment and swallowed hard. This was it! I knew that she was finally ready to tell me what was troubling her. "Stephanie, there is something else I need to explain to you . . . about why I was . . ."

"Allison!" A voice called out to her. I turned to see the older woman from this morning's staff meeting approaching us. "This town is just way too small!"

"Hello Ruth." Allison greeted the woman warmly. I on the other hand just sat there quietly thinking "Go away! Go away! Go away!"

"Can you tell it is the start of the semester?" Ruth laughed as she looked around at all of the people crammed into the small ice cream palor. "Hello we haven't had a chance to meet I am Ruth Steiner." She said as offered her hand to me.

"Stephanie Grant." I answered accepting her hand. "Now go away!"

"Ruth's specialty is the effects and defects of the American Constitution." Allison explained to me before turning her attention back to Ruth. "How is Emily?" Allison asked. "Please don't let Emily be her daughter!"

"She is good. Right now she is at a conference in San Diego." Ruth sighed sadly. I on the other hand smiled. "Yes she has a girlfriend!" Ruth went on about missing her girlfriend who was due home in a few hours. I had lost interest. I just wanted this woman to leave so Allison and I could finish our conversation.

Thankfully Vince arrived with our ice cream. Allison's sundae was a mountain of whipped cream and pineapple. My fudge boat was just that a very large boat of chocolate. I would never be able to finish it. As I sampled my first bite I moaned in pleasure. "Perhaps chocolate could be the key to help me survive celibacy?"

"Oh My!" Ruth exclaimed as she eyed our gluttonous portions.

"No need to worry I will work it off tomorrow." Allison explained. "Are we still on for tennis?"

"If you are sure that you are up for it Allison?" Ruth questioned her with concern.

"What do you mean?" Allison snarled.

"Well Allison you look . . ." Ruth hesitated. " . . . forgive me for saying, but you look like hell."

"Thank you." Allison snorted. "I'm fine. I just had a late night."

Ruth flashed a knowing smile in my direction and before Allison could correct her she quickly said her goodbyes and was on her way. Alone once again silence overcame us. So we focused on our desserts. To my surprise we both finished the mounds of ice cream. I was beyond full. "I may never eat again." I groaned as I rubbed my stomach. "You want a cigarette don't you?"

"No." Allison lied as she shook her head yes.

"We probably have some time before Vince makes it back over here with the check." I pushed. "Why don't you finish telling what you were going to say."

"I don't know." Allison stalled.

"Allison." I pushed again.

"Okay." She finally agreed. "Well . . . like I told you before Chris and I were together we were friends for many years. Before Chris and I were involved I was with someone else."

I braced myself fearful about what she might reveal. What if she had slept with dozens of women? How could I compete with that? Of course according to everything we had agreed upon I was not in the running for Allison's affections. Or was I?

Allison paused for a moment and collected her thoughts. Finally she cleared her throat and began her story. It was obvious that this was a very painful subject for her to recall. "When I first moved to New York . . . I met this woman at a local bar. Jessica Beaumont. Jessica was older and really fascinating and the kind of lawyer that I should have been. But after eight months I discovered that she had one major character flaw."

"Which was?" I pushed once again not certain that I really wanted to hear about this woman.

"Jessica had a memory problem." Allison sneered. "It seems that she kept forgetting that she had a husband. I was furious when I found out. When I confronted her she made it painfully clear that it was true. She had no intention of leaving him for me because she was not a lesbian. I was just someone that she cared about. This woman managed to convince herself that she was straight. Even though I had found out that I had been one of many women in her life. Jessica is so far in the closet that she would never admit to anything. Funny here she was telling me that she was straight. But she kept an apartment in the city that her hubby did not know about so she could entertain her girlfriends. And she cruised women's bars constantly. I was amazed at how carefully she had built a barrier around her closet door. I was also very hurt. I loved her and I thought that she loved me. When I realized that she was just using me I was devastated. I was her dirty little secret."

"Wow." I gasped shocked at how this woman's mind worked. I knew that I had been kidding myself about my feelings. But next to Jessica Beaumont I was a rank amateur. "So when I showed up and came on to you. A co-worker with a boyfriend you must have wanted to douse me in holy water."

"Trust me that is not what I wanted to do with you." Allison teased. "Stephanie this is not about you. Last night just brought back a barrage of memories. Ones that I thought I had dealt with. And I have . . . . but it hurts. None of this is your fault. But I have been down this road twice already and I have no intention of treating myself like that again. Been there done that! I like my life. I love my job. Yes, I would like to meet someone but I will not lose my self respect again."

"What if . . ." I started to argue.

"Don't!" She stopped me, holding up a protesting hand. "I have already ruined one friendship and gone through a great deal of turmoil. You and I are becoming friends. You also have a boyfriend, who is probably a great guy. Whatever questions or curiosity you are fighting with . . . I cannot help you. I was being truthful when I told you that I do not want to confuse you any further. Plus I will let you in on a little secret. Most lesbians do not want to be another woman's first. Out of fear that it is just experimentation or just lust not love. Maybe I am being a coward. I do not know but for now I feel that I need to be honest with you."

"I appreciate you honesty." I lied. I really did not appreciate the obvious line in the sand that she had so clearly drawn. How dare she decide what is best for me! I knew in my heart that I did not want just Allison's body. I wanted her, mind, body and soul. Because Chris slept around and Jessica was a big old nut job Allison Kendell would not touch me with a ten foot pole.

"Now as your friend I think that I should take you to the grocery store." Allison offered suddenly avoiding eye contact. "Since we both know you cannot rely upon my cooking."

"You know where the grocery store is?" I teased her.

"I think so." She laughed.

After a brief discussion Allison allowed me to pay the check. I wanted to thank her for all of her help. We strolled down to the local market. As we shopped we shared a cart- it made sense. I could not help but notice the looks we were receiving. As we strolled up and down the aisles we went over a list of what I needed. I felt comfortable with her as we argued over what to buy. I tried to convince Allison that fresh fruits and vegatables were a good idea. She in turn extold the virtues of Pop Tarts and coffee. When I mentioned that I would need a table for my computer, she questioned me as to where I would put it?

"I should be able to squeeze something in." I protested knowing that she was right.

"I have a suggestion." She offered. "My apartment is actually two. I took over the upper floor when the old tenants moved out. I pay more but I needed the space for all of my books and stuff. I have a spare room upstairs that I never use. You could use it as a study. I mean if you would like to?"

"Are you sure?" I questioned her as I wondered, " just how does someone take over a second apartment and convert it? Most people would just move to a bigger place. Yet another mystery."

"It is just sitting there. I never use the space except for storage. The good news is that there is already a desk in there. The former tenants left it."

"Why?"

"It will not fit through the doorway. Believe me I have tried." Allison replied. "I think it has been up there for years and somewhere along the line someone changed the doorway. Probably when the house was converted into apartments. Someone just forgot to remove the desk."

After I reluctantly agreed to accept the use of Allison's spare room she decided to fill me in on our neighbors. Mine was the only apartment on the first floor since the entry way was so large. Which was typical of the architecture of the time. Behind her apartment on the second floor was Hal. He was a physics professor at Haven and a transvestite, so I should not be surprised to see a man wearing a dress wandering the hallway. Above Hal was Althea she was a cop on the local police force and I may never meet her since she worked very odd hours. After she filled me in on the neighborhood gossip we paid for our purchases and drove home.

Allison helped me unload my groceries and I kept mulling over her offer. I really needed the space and I would love an excuse to get closer to her. I just didn't want to push any harder than I already have. Lord knows I have not been the picture of diplomacy the last twenty four hours. "Allison, are you certain that it won't be an inconvenience my using that room?" I finally asked. " I do not want to invade your privacy."

"Please." She scoffed at me. "I lead a nun's life. It would be nice to have some company."

"Why don't you use the desk or the extra room?" I asked.

"The room is not very big and I have been using the same writing table since I was a teenager." She explained as she looked for a place to put all of the can goods I purchased. "Then again we may need that space for all the food you bought." She teased. "Stephanie I would not have offered it if I didn't want you there. It is just going to waste."

"So tell me what is so special about the writing table that you use?" I questioned her as I relieved her of the cans of soup she was holding.

"It was my Great Grandmothers." She answered proudly. "Actually she was my Great Great Grandmother. The extra great just sounds a little silly."

"Haley Ballister?" I gaped in wonderment. "She does all of her work on Haley Ballister's desk!" The historian in me was drooling at the thought.

"Yes it was her's." Allison confirmed. "You know that ninety out of one hundred Civil War historians have no idea who Stephan Ballister was?"

"It's an interesting story." I retorted. "A gentleman from the upper levels of New Orleans high society chooses to enlist in a company full of immigrants and drunkards. Why?"

"And your theory is?" She asked as she folded the paper shopping bags neatly.

"He was not your Great Great Grandfather." I answered simply. "Excuse the extra great and any implications against your family name."

"Please." Allison scoffed. "You don't even want to know how the Kendell's made their money. As for the Ballisters they were plantation owners in the deep south. I do not have to explain to you what that means. They made their name off of the backs of people they enslaved. Not a very proud history if you ask me."

"Is that why the family won't show the diaries?" I began to wonder if I was on the right track with my theory.

"No." Allison answered with a smile. "Haley wasn't like the others. Truth be told we have shown the diaries. But no one wanted to tell the true story."

"You are kidding?" I was amazed. "What was in those diaries? Maybe nothing at all? Then why not just say that?"

"No." Allison sighed deeply. "I have always wanted to. You know that Maureen is pushing me to publish."

"I heard." I answered quietly trying not to get my hopes up.

"Oh?" Allison smiled with a cocky grin. "My previous books were well . . . let's just say they had a lot of pictures in them. Your books on the other hand are brilliant. Is there any chance that you would consider co-writting Haley's story with me?"

I wanted to leap into her arms and not just because she had just offered me the opportunity of a lifetime. I really need to find some way of controlling my emotions. "Are you certain?" I asked carefully. "After last night do you think that you can trust me?"

"Last night was last night." Her deep voice answered soothingly. "You are a brilliant writer and a dedicated scholar. Just because you found me attractive while under the influence of tequila is no reason not to trust you. After some ups and downs we did manage to get through today. I'm thinking that it was just the tequila talking."

"And if it wasn't?" I asked seriously.

"Peter." She responded flatly.

"Do you find it strange that you mention his name more than I do?" I said quietly. "I am starting to realize that I might be doing to him what you did to Chris."

"You make your own choices." Allison stated sadly. "I would like to make one suggestion. Perhaps the next time you kiss a woman you might want to try it sober. It just might be harder to find an excuse." There was something cruel in her voice that made me shiver. Jessica Beaumont's wound may have healed; but she definitely left a scar. I was never going to be anything more than a friend to this woman. And a part of me hated her for forcing me out of her heart. A larger part of me wanted to hunt down Jessica Beaumont rip out her heart and scatter it to the four winds. I was forced to abandon my thoughts of revenge when Allison suggested that we bring the futon in and get it set up.

After we unloaded the car and set up the futon we then proceeded to move my computer into the small upstairs office. Allison even offered to have a second line installed so I would have my own internet access. When I protested about running up her phone bill she explained that she used a cable service instead. She showed me on her own computer, it was amazing just one click and there you were. Even at the University we still had to dial up and deal with the constant disconnections and busy signals. I accepted Allison's offer when she agreed to allow my to pay for the instillation and the small additional monthly fee.

After we finished with the computer and setting up the last of my things in the tiny apartment, we decided to relax. We sat out on the balcony of Allison's apartment and looked at the stars. Allison opened a bottle of white zinfandel. She gave me a glass after I pledged scout's honor not to let it go to my head. I knew that she was teasing. But I was also aware that there was just a hint of truth in her joking. A part of me was hurt and a part of me was offended. How could I be feeling so many conflicting emotions at once. As I stared at the stars I wondered had I really been living my life of just simply walking through it?

Allison excused herself for a moment and upon her return she handed me a leather bound journal. I ran my hands over it as if it were the holy grail. "I have read all of them. If you want to do this then you have some catching up to do." Allison said with a smile. My heart skipped a beat at the sight of her standing there in the moonlight. "This is the first one it covers the war years." Allison went on to explain apparently unaware of my staring.

"I cannot believe that I am holding this." I gushed.

"I'm going to bed." Allison answered with a yawn. "Stay if you like. I often come out here to read when the weather is good. There is something about the stars and the faint smell of the ocean. I find it peaceful."

I thanked her as she went off to bed. I decided to stay and read. For the first time in my life I was not looking forward to sleeping alone. Normally I hated it when Peter and I slept together. I did not treasure the intimacy the way he did. Tonight I wanted nothing more. I wanted to lay beside Allison as we had this morning all warm and close snuggled up in the feather bead safe in her arms. I promised myself I would read for a short while than go downstairs to my apartment and sleep on my new futon. I sipped my wine and opened Haley Ballister's journal. My heart skipped a beat as the musty scent from the pages surrounded me. I had dreamed of this moment for years. Nothing could have prepared me for what I was about to discover.